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Sept. 22, 2022

Don’t “should” on Yourself

Don’t “should” on Yourself

The word Should can be triggering both consciously and unconsciously because it implies obligation as opposed to 100% true choice; sometimes that can leave us feeling powerless over our circumstances.
Today we are going to talk about “shoulding” on Y...

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The word Should can be triggering both consciously and unconsciously because it implies obligation as opposed to 100% true choice; sometimes that can leave us feeling powerless over our circumstances.

Today we are going to talk about “shoulding” on Yourself, why it’s problematic and what to do instead to get you back in alignment with yourself.


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people, feel, goal, shift, mind, trust, feeling, personal development seminar, desire, rat race, top, exercise, house, clean, highest potential, outcome, doctoral program, feet, energy, podcast


I was just sweeping up the second dustpan full of dog fur off of my floor. And I thought, I wonder what would happen if I just plain didn't do what I should do. I think you should do a podcast on the mindset of always doing what you should do, and how tiresome that is. So today, that's what we're going to talk about, about shooting on yourself, and why it's problematic and what you can do instead, to get you back in alignment with yourself.


The following was recorded in front of a live studio audience at the studio 21 podcast cafe. This is the United Podcast Network.


Welcome to rat race reboot. I'm your host, Laura Noel. And as a certified coach and former 27 year military leader, each week, I provide bite sized mindset pivots that will help you reset your mind reawaken your spirit and regain your control.


Hello, hello, everyone, and welcome to another episode of rat race reboot this idea of shooting on yourself and I talk about this a lot. But I thought this was really just timely, this friend of mines texts to me very recently, you know, should, why does that trigger us sometimes why I know the word should, can set me down a path of procrastination and resentment. And I hear that in other people. So the word should often comes with a bunch of other friends. You know, anxiety, procrastination, resentment, like I said, because these are things that we don't really want to do, we don't have the desire to do them, we're perhaps doing these things because we're trying to avoid maybe the pain of, of disappointing somebody, or maybe avoiding getting into trouble. And the guilt and the shame that can come with it. It has a very negative connotation to it. And we learn these behaviors from a very early age when we're in school. The word should, however, can tip us off sometimes to the fact that maybe we're being too hard on ourselves. I know, I was the queen of should, you know, I was always pushing myself to overcome that next obstacle, that next challenge to get to that next level. And so I was doing all these shoulda, coulda, woulda goals, but they weren't coming from my heart. And as a consequence, I felt empty, I didn't feel fulfilled. And it was just a really horrible, lonely place to be in basically, I was mentally punishing myself. And I, you know, it's like, I had this inside of me, this disapproving mother inside of me, that who was never going to approve of me, right. So what can we do? Why is this important? Well, first of all, I always talk about feeling is the conscious awareness of the energy and vibration we're in. And when we're stuck in feelings of shame and guilt, those are low vibrational feelings. And every result that we get is always preceded by a feeling, the feeling, again, is the conscious awareness of the vibration that we're in. So this is all about doing some mindset tweaks that will help you elevate your vibration, get you to peel back the layers of the onion, so that you can be in alignment much faster, and you can reach your goals and dreams much faster, and you're not swimming upstream all the time, which is what it can feel like sometimes, especially when we're shooting ourselves. So I want you to remove that word from your vocabulary. And so here are some other things that you can do instead of shooting on yourself, and I think that your results will speak for themselves. So first and foremost, get into the why, why are you doing this to yourself? Ask yourself why. And when you do that, why are you Why do you feel like you should do this? And when you start to question yourself and be honest with yourself, you might find that your priorities shift a little bit. Right. You know, like I said, I was always pushing myself to the next level. And so my my goals for doing things were not attached to my highest good my highest self, my deepest desires. So when You ask yourself these questions, you know why? Why am I shooting myself? What do I really want? Why do I want this goal? Why do I feel like I have to do this, instead of everything feeling like a drag, and it being laborious, you'll find more ease and flow. And I'll give you an example. So I'm going to school, many hours, I am coaching people, I am working in organizational development in organizations, facilitating in organizations. So I have a lot of things on my plate, and I want to deliver wonderful content to you. And so I would find myself dragging my feet when it would come to cleaning the house or doing the grocery shopping, or preparing healthy meals, and all of all of the things right, and I would feel guilty, I would always tell myself, I should go, oh, we shouldn't eat out again, I should prepare something healthy, I don't have time to go to, you know, to the grocery store. Our house looks horrible, I should clean it, or Gary's cleaning something I should help him. But what I ended up doing, and thankfully, I have the space to do this. And maybe you'll find that you do as well. We take on all of these things. I know I did. Like I had to be superwoman to be the entrepreneur to be the stellar student, to be the wonderful friend, the wife to take care of the house to take care of the food to take care of the family. And it's just too much. So really, when I started to peel the layers back, it wasn't, I'm asking myself, what do I really want. And I don't want to do the housework. I don't necessarily want to go to the grocery stores. Although sometimes I like going and spinning around the aisles in Whole Foods. That's fun for me. But generally, I don't want to do those things, and I'll put them off, and then I'll feel guilty and shameful and beat myself up. And a lot of people I talked to find themselves in that same predicament. So I asked myself, What do I really want, what I really want is a clean house, I what I really want is healthy, nourishing food at my fingertips when I need it. So when I want to cook something, it's there and available to me. So I started leveraging, you know, delivery services and somebody to come to my house a couple times a month to do a deep clean on the house. And that felt like the weight of the world was lifted off of my shoulders. So you might find that when you ask yourself, why do I want this? Does this have to be accomplished in this way? Do I have to do all of the things, you might find that your priorities shift in a way that ignite your soul. And some of these other things, you can work out a trade with people or hire somebody to do it or ask for some support from somebody else. So that can help you energize and get you out of that. That should mode. Okay. The other thing is that you can do is shift your language. So if you catch yourself saying should, first of all, again,



shift your language so that you're not stuck in the paradigm, that you have no control over your circumstances, when we say we should do something, it's almost as if we're saying, and we're feeling that resentment as if we're saying that we don't have control, and I have to do this thing. You don't have to do anything. I mean, you have to breathe air if you want to live, right. But generally you don't have to do things that you don't want to do, you always have a choice, always. And nobody can control your thinking. You have domain over your thinking and your energy and your vibration. Start with your thinking. So take control over your circumstance by taking control over your thinking. And one of the ways you can do that is by shifting your language. So if you get connected, let's say that I want to clean house, but I don't, I don't have the means to hire somebody to clean the house. It's not that I want to clean it but I want a clean house. So really, if I can shift my language, I get to clean my house. I have the flexibility as an entrepreneur, that I can take a pause and make my house shiny and sparkly so that I can invite guests over and feel proud and awesome about my living space. So that feels a lot different than I had been procrastinating I should clean my house. The other you know rather than I get to clean my house because I love a sparkling clean place. I can think and be more creative when my spaces cleared. So that mental shift, changing my language shifts my energy. And then it also implies that I have a choice, right? It's not that I have to do this, it's it doesn't feel daunting and laborious and like a darn drag, right. So that's another thing. The third thing that you can do, and this is what I learned is, you know, give yourself a break, cut yourself some slack, you know, we should on ourselves, often because we don't want to disappoint others, but also, because sometimes at least for me, I had this feeling of not enoughness. So the shoulds, were really driving my behavior. To achieve one goal after the other, I was a goal seeking organism. And every goal that I reached, I would get to the top of this mountain, and I just was never fulfilled, well, I should keep going. It's not good enough, I was mentally again, beating myself up. And I felt guilty if I couldn't deliver. Again, that's a low vibration, and I was in a low, lonely state, even though I was highly successful in my career, top 1% of promote ease, top 1% of my career miserable inside, because I was constantly shitting on myself. So give yourself a break. And if you don't know how to do that, reach out to me. And I can teach you some tools on how to do that. And maybe I'll do another podcast about that.



The other thing is, trust yourself. Trust yourself, that you can make decisions for yourself, trust yourself, and let go of the outcome. I'm not saying don't have an intention, and don't have desires, but let go of what it looks like and what the outcome looks like. You know, I was at a personal development seminar. It was for it was all last week in Santa Fe. And we had this one exercise that we were doing on the ranch. And I think this pole, it has pegs in it enough room for you to put a foot on. And it might be like 65 feet, I don't know it's a really tall pole. And then at the top of this pole, there is a disc about this, about this big to stand on. Basically, one foot beside the other was all that could fit and the feet were hanging over a little bit. And once you got to the top of the disk, you had to shimmy and turn 180 degrees with your arms stretched out, and then jump for this trapeze and then be lowered down by the people were wearing harnesses, but the people who have had me on belay, I did this exercise like seven years ago. And it was a very different experience for me seven years ago versus last week. And what was different for me was the first time that I did it, I had, in my mind, I was always shitting on myself doing these big massive goals that I thought were massive, achieving one after the other and not feeling fulfilled or satisfied, or like I was giving 100% to everything from the outside looking in, it looked impressive, but I knew inside that I was meant for so much more. And I wasn't I wasn't delivering, I wasn't living up to the awesomeness that was inside of me. I just didn't know how to unlock it. And so as a consequence, when I did that exercise, I got a you know, I went climbed up the poll, I would take breaks, and kind of like take the view in and explain to people I'm just taking a pause to breathe for a second. And they were you know, really, you know, great with telling me how great my communication was. And I got to the top. And I had to put my let go of the poll and put one foot and then the other and then stand up without holding on to anything. And I lingered there for what seemed like an eternity because in my mind, I always set goals that I knew that I could complete. And I didn't know how to complete this one. And so I was stuck. And you're not supposed to put your knees on the disk. And I did. I wasn't listening to anyone. I finally did get up after a while but then I was holding on to the rope that was holding onto my harness. And people were saying let go of the rope. You don't need it. And plus it wasn't safe, but I wasn't listening. So I was closing out all of this help. I was stuck on what I looked like and not failing versus just doing my best. And I did it but it still didn't feel good. It was more of the same right? Versus this time where I trusted myself and I sat on the ground you know what Laura? What if you just gave your all you tapped in and I had an mantra, power, Grace, trust? What if you tapped into that power already inside of you that grace and ease in which you want to do this and you set your intention on the top? And you can see yourself looking down at all the people who are there helping you and your ingratitude. What if you could also trust yourself to just go all in and do it. And I love that somebody had recently said at this personal development seminar, going all in, but using both hands, kind of like not being reckless, but being mindful going all in but mindfully. And so I climbed up the pole, this time saying my mantra, power, Grace, trust. And I got to the very top, both of my feet were on the pegs, the little little disc was up here. And somebody said, breathe. And so I just took a deep belly breath and one foot than the other. I rose, I wasn't touching on to the ropes. I turned around, looked at all those people and said, You look beautiful. And then they said, You look beautiful. And then I turned around, grabbed for the trapeze. And I felt elated. So the goal of that exercise wasn't to get to the top of the pole, the goal was to trust myself to go all in and let go of my attachment to the outcome. Did I want to get to the top? Was that my vision? Yes. But sometimes we can stick get stuck on the vision where we don't push ourselves to our edge, because we're afraid of failing. So that's what I'm saying that, that sometimes we should on ourselves, because we're afraid of failing, we're afraid of



that if we don't, you know, push ourselves and say we should and that some nobody is going to push us and we're not going to push ourselves and we're not going to make it to that level next level. So the first time I did it, I was definitely saying I should be able to do this, I'm athletic, I should be able to do that. Do this, look at these other people, they're doing it, I should be able to, Ooh, that was a really different energy than this time, being in the joy of the exercise. And allowing myself and trusting myself trusting myself to have the power and the strength to do it. The grace to flow through no matter what the outcome, and trusting myself to make it happen. I didn't need to shut on myself. It was a different energy. And when I finished that exercise, it felt truly joyful. And so rat race reboot is all about finding ease and flow in your life and finding the joy in what you're doing. If you're not finding joy in it, then why are you doing it? Your life is short, right? Our lives are short way to short. The last thing is ask yourself the right questions. Ask yourself, why am I doing this? Am I doing this? Because I want to? Or because I think I have to? And what would happen if I didn't do this. And if you sit with that for a minute, it might shift how you feel in your ability to see a choice. You know, once you realize you have a choice, oh, I don't have to do this at all. I'm choosing to do this. It feels different. I remember when I first became a coach and I started my business back in 2017. I was retiring from the Air Force and I had the GI Bill. And there was a doctoral program in Hawaii where I lived at the time, and I thought it would be a great complement to what I was doing. And I had the tuition assistance to make it happen. And I talked to my coach and I said what do you think of this? There was a doctoral program. I think it was a leadership one but it was an educational doctoral program. And I said I think I'm I might pursue this. And he said, Are you doing it because you think you need it? Or because you want it and he was very supportive of whatever I decided to do. And I realized in that moment that I was doing it because again, I'm not enough that not enoughness was coming through, I should do this I should get another credential. I didn't need it. I was well equipped already to teach and lead and coach I was already doing it and seeing results in myself and other people. So I stopped myself and said whoa, you know, I'm doing it because I think I should so many years later back into When he 20, I found a program that was even better suited for the the knowledge that I wanted to get and work with. And there was another program doctoral program in leadership, psychology and neuroscience. So my energy and pursuing that about two thirds of the way through, felt very different. It's a desire, I'm not attached to an outcome, or I'm going to do this, and then I'm going to, you know, because of this, I'm going to get this job, I'm doing what I want to do, I'm living my best life learning is one of my highest values, and I love what I'm learning. And as a consequence, it doesn't feel laborious to me. I'm not saying that I don't put in the hours, and that it's not hard sometimes. But it's a joy, I want to do it, and it feels different. So those are five things that you can start to do now. If you want to really align yourself with your deepest desires and elevate your energy so that it's in harmony with what you truly want. And I'll recap them again here. So one, shift your language from I should to I get to or this is meaningful to me, or I desire to do this, I choose to do this. I'm 100% in, give yourself a break. You know, give yourself a break. And stop shooting on yourself. You know, love yourself, figure out why you're wanting to do this, this thing and find other ways to do it. Trust yourself and let go of the outcome. And then ask yourself the right questions am I doing this because I think I have to or because I want to. And that's it, you're just shining the light of awareness on your desires. So I hope this helps you. I know this reminder helps me and I want to close today's episode the way we always end our episodes and that is in getting in alignment, getting in alignment with what we want and taking inspired action. So if you will, just take a deep breath wherever you are. Take a deep breath in through your nose and exhale take one more deep inhale exhale


one last deep inhale through the nose hold it and exhale releasing any signs of tension and I want you to bring to mind something that you want to be do or have right now if there were no obstacles no should have could have with us. And you were living and serving at your highest potential what would that look like? If you can bring to mind this goal or vision of something that you truly desire and it was manifesting beautifully exactly the way you want it what does that look like?


Imagine you are living that dream. Now how does it feel being new How is your goal? positively impacting the people around you?


And bring those faces of those people who you're impacting to your mind's eye how are they responding to you? This is your life. The life you created Now ask yourself what one thing can I do today to step into that highest potential and just sit quietly and wait for some ideas to float to the top of your mind.


So this is what taking inspired action is all about. So any ideas that come to your mind right now while you're in harmony with your dream and your goal, those ideas and things that bubble up to your mind are meant for you to act on. So take action on them. That's your path of least resistance. I want to thank you for listening to another episode of rat race reboot, and I would love to hear your comments. If you got some value out of today's episode, leave us a five star review on whatever platform you listen to your podcast on. Leave us your comments. I do read them and I am in such gratitude for them. And also subscribe because my book is coming out very soon and I don't want you to miss out and if you want to know about the book and all the freebies that come along with it, then subscribe, go to rat race reboot.com Fill in the form there and I will keep you posted on any updates. But until then, remember, everything is created twice. First in your imagination, and then in physical form. We'll see you next week.


The views and opinions expressed by the hosts guests or callers of this program do not necessarily reflect the opinions of the studio 21 podcast cafe, the United Podcast Network its partners or affiliates.